Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
