tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
