giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
