So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
