I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
