Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
