I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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