this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
