and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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