Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
