apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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