Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
