I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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