I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
