are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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