Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
