Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
