I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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