My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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