i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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