Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
