Your face is a jimmy john
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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