so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
