I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
