You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
We need to rekindle our bromance
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
