I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
