The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
