um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
