im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
