i may or may not be watching the land before time
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
