When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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