I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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