Apparently you make a good broom.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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