Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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