Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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