I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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