She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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