So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
