yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
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