I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
