broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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