oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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