You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
