How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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