escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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