i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
