I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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