I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
