I cannot find my penis.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Let's paint friendship bongs
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
