My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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