I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
