I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
