I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
home. puking in laundry basket.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize