when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
He felt like a one man threesome
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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