woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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