I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
