I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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