i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
